I am a 5 ft, brown eyed, 9 month pregnant woman from California, who wound up in the heart of Monsey, NY with a dream job, perfect husband and actual seasons. I’m writing this because my older sister, Chava won’t get off my back about her blog and it’s the only thing taking my mind off my aches and pains. I’m not sure if I’m in labor or just suffering from post-falafel and onion rings inhalation but either way I’m going to suck it up and try to be hilarious right now.  Let me just say that I am so grateful and blessed that I am with child and am truly happy with my life. However, this is the hardest thing I have ever done – pregnancy. The non- stop vomiting, swollen feet, sardine cravings and tremendous weight gain has been anything but blissful. I look in the mirror every morning only to find my clothes don’t fit and stretch marks are forming a map around my body…. so gross! Pregnancy nude photos? I THINK NOT.

Being the third in a family of seven and living so far away from my close knit siblings has really taken a toll on my emotional psyche. I am constantly texting, whatssapping and calling them with the most recent updates of my symptoms. I know i know , I need to stop but TOO BAD- I’m pregnant which means I am  irrational and emotional ALL THE TIME. I have to take deep breathes just so I don’t lose it. Like this morning when the plumbers came to fix the shower and the two of them got into a flat out yelling brawl. I took deep breathes, counted to ten and then told them to get the hell out of my house!

So you want to talk about fear? Well I’ve been afraid of a lot since I was a little girl.  I used to wake up sweating with bad dreams over my fears. First there was the worst dream, the worst fear, that was made up by my older siblings. They called her Mrs. Boils. According to the legend she was an ugly crotchety wrinkled hairy woman with long claws and warts on her face. They used to “call” her for help every time they needed me to get into line. Ya I won’t be using that sick twisted manipulative game on my kid. (I’m sure my sister has more stories about her.) I’m not even really sure where they got that psycho Mrs. Boils thing from. But let’s just say, it worked, and yes I am still traumatized by her invention.

Hence, my fears.

Then there are natural disasters, typhoons, tsunamis, nuclear war, ya know the big stuff.  I’m pretty much a sissy when it comes to roller coasters, heights, and being out of control. Yes, that’s right, I am sort of a control freak, which is probably why I’m TERRIFIED to give birth and be a mom. I mean what can be scarier than having NO control over your own body or the fluids that will manage to squirt out at times I may not want them to? What can be scarier than pushing out a human being? I’ll tell ya what’s scarier… raising him or her!  Nope, we didn’t find out the sex only because I wanted to prove to my siblings that I can be patient. Plus, who we kidding, I can’t keep a secret.

I really have no idea how I am going to do this but like everything in my life until now – I am going to take it one moment at a time and KICK ASS! I am choosing to say “SCREW YOU FEAR!” Right now I am going to start replacing fear with faith and excitement. Now I need to stop blogging and start timing these contractions while my husband waives the stop watch in my face as I hold my double decker 7-11 hot dog that is kosher, cause this is Monsey and they got kosher dogs on every corner.

Thanks for letting me share.



Tova Altman (also known as Chava’s sister)


One comment

  1. Shayna · November 1, 2013

    You rock tovs!!!! Xoxo

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