Agenda Un-Driven

  
Heres the truth- if you have an agenda I won’t give you the time of day. If I’m in a store shopping and A salesperson compliments me but i then smell her sniffing- I leave. If you say the words “you should…” I’m outta there. If you try to coerce me into doing something because it makes YOU feel like you have purpose- then I’m really effing outta there. 
Because true authentic connection does not come from manipulation- it comes from a genuine feeling of wanting to share a journey with no strings attached. 
I hardly ever carry agendas in my pocket and the few times i have one- i usually state it pretty openly- “Hey heres the thing i need you to move your car, read my script, buy me dinner- ” whatever it is- im gonna ask pretty openly. And if the answer is no- i actually won’t care too much either, because i don’t carry expectations around. I think that many people lose connections because of unrealistic expectations and their needs are so great- they will manipulate anyone in any way to get them met. 
I’ve always lived by my husband Rabbi Robbie’s principles that there are usually three reasons I am destined to connect with someone- either I need something from them, they need something from me, or we need to take care of a third party together. So if I meet someone and I am sharing their journey- I never worry about the outcome of that journey we share- because I know when it is meant to be revealed it usually handles itself beautifully. This has a great positive impact on my relationships and more importantly it prevents me from ever having an agenda.
Because there is nothing worse then being taken for a ride- or feeling like someone is planning your life without you realizing or noticing it. If you are living your life with a constant agenda- you can pretty much bet no ones gonna come to your birthday party- unless you plan on giving away gift cards to the guests. Because true authentic connection happens when you are in the moment not when you are trying control it.

As far as I’m concerned- the only agenda we should carry around is having NO AGENDA at all.

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Cheating Death

Death is a devastating pain- one that cannot be explained or interpreted or even rationalized- and I don’t mean to try to rationalize it- but I see something for the first time so clearly – we are all part of this narrative of death and it is literally gripping us into a choke hold – maybe I am crazy – but I’m trying to see a larger picture here- we- the “believers” have been tested far past our limitations over and over – almost to a point of madness. 
It is as if Gd himself is trying to shake us into another state of being- he is literally begging us to listen – begging us to see this state of life differently- not as a separate entity but as an extension to a larger potential world we are closing our eyes to. 
In kabbalah it is written this physical world is built on 4 separate worlds. Each one being a bubble of light that slowly emerges from the next one and the next one until the world we are in- the one with physical form stands on its own with only hidden light. It is said that God created this physical world with those four worlds behind it in order to slowly remove his powerful light from every world. Because God’s light is so strong, every single world was a container on it’s own that had a different form of his light being constrained on different levels inhabiting His energy until the energy itself was created as a separate entity. 
The purpose of God removing his light to attain this extreme physical state where we can’t see him at all is because he wishes we create his light on our own. And if it is already created- then we do not receive the accomplishment of us creating it on our own- for you cannot create something which is already there. However if we are charged to dig deep- then our creativity not only matters- but it is ever more powerful- for we managed to create such unique light on our own despite the pain and darkness we fumble in. 
The way a father or mother births a child for the hopes of seeing our own values and our own ideals and new accomplishments unfold in a separate entity is the way God wishes to see his own world- Separate yet embodying His essence, apart yet conjoined in our efforts. 
To be fully articulated as physical beings with spirit- we are charged with the difficult task of infusing these seemingly opposing forces as one. I believe when this is finally accomplished a 5th world will be created- a divine world created by humans- the ultimate fusion will take place, it is but only up to us to achieve this great adventure through continued connection. 
Let us not allow death to defeat this bigger picture. let us not allow our spirit to weaken as a result of pain and suffering- let us rise past the darkness where our light will beam on its own- where great possibilities can emerge despite grief- maybe in spite of grief. 
To the darkness i say- thank you. You are here to trick us into believing our own light cannot be realized- but infact it is because of you darkness- that our light will not only overshadow you- but will wipe you out all together. Get ready. Your days are numbered. 

 

The Big Victoria Secret

When “Victoria Secret” (she’s not really a model, its more of an aspiration) decided to share her story, we couldn’t say no! Under a pseudo name, this warrior Rockstar reveals her latest life crisis- 

New York Daily Newser Jacob E. Osterhout gets Wing Training 101 with Victoria Secret Model Allessandra Ambrosia at the Lexington Armory at 68 Lexington Avenue, New York, NY on Monday, November 8, 2010.

Thelma & Louise: Victoria Secret? Is that you?

Victoria S:   It is I.

Thelma & Louise: Thank you for your willingness to come on “Thelma and Louise and bare your soul about some frightening news you have just gotten. You are gutsy Victoria. Can you tell us – what is this news, you just had to share with us on this blog?

Victoria S: Well, after spending my life thinking every ailment I have ever had was going to be “cancer”, …it finally was!  I have fucking breast cancer

Thelma & Louise: Congratulations? We like how you said that “I have breast cancer, ” vs I got breast cancer

Victoria S: Sure.  Why not? Another warrior woman heading for battle.

Thelma & Louise: This a pretty big matzah ball to contend with. Have you told anyone else about this news?

(And we love warriors by the way)

Victoria S: I told my triumvirate of clergies, a fellow breast cancer survivor and one close friend.

Thelma & Louise: We are honored you’d be wiling to share with our readers what this experience is like for you. How long have you been dealing with this pretty frightening diagnosis?

Victoria S: I found out for sure on October 27th, 2015.  But my idiot savant husband apparently “knew” the day of my ultrasound the week before.  He had a “feeling”

Thelma & Louise: Sounds like a shitty feeling to have. But I guess he really is in tune with your boobs-

Victoria S: Yep! He is.

Thelma & Louise: Do you have any children, can you tell us how old you are?

Victoria S: I have three children and I am 48

Thelma & Louise: So you are a young mother facing a pretty terrifying disease. And you’ve been experiencing a life altering reality for the past 2 weeks.

Victoria S: That is correct. Well, me and Xanax.

Thelma & Louise: Oh we love that sneaky little treat of goodness. Good choice. We can imagine there must be a hundred things floating through your mind, can you tell us a little bit about what those crazy thoughts are?

Victoria S: First thought when I heard the news was utter fear and complete sadness for my children.  I couldn’t believe this was going to be their story.  “The poor kids with no mother.” I was overwhelmed and confused and didn’t know what to do first.  I was taking down names of doctors my Gyno was giving me and paying no attention at all.  I couldn’t catch my breath. I was standing at my desk at work when the news came in.  Not the best place to be. Although where WOULD the best place be?

Thelma & Louise:   Disneyland? A private jet?   Trader Joe’s?

Victoria S:   Yes.  Trader Joe’s.

Thelma & Louise:   By the wine aisle preferably

Victoria S:   Something is wrong with you

Thelma & Louise:   Yes we know

Victoria S:   And now so do your readers

Thelma & Louise:   Getting back to you finding out. How did that go down-  were you alone? What were you wearing? and what did you do next?

Victoria S:   I patched my husband into the call so someone who was coherent could take over. I then spent the next 25 minutes trying to breathe and then my husband came to pick me up.  I was shaking.  I was absolutely stunned. And I was fucking scared out of my mind. AND reliving this now through this conversation is bringing me right back there.  Thanks☺

Thelma & Louise:   Pleasure. Our goal is to bring you “back there”. It’s part of re-processing the narrative so you can look at it. Really look at it. Because pain and suffering is so isolating, this way when you look at it, you are seeing the story unfold with your audience holding your hand. This makes your story less scary. Are you feeling less scared yet?

Victoria S:   I’m Fine.

Thelma & Louise:   Haha we know what that stands for…Fucked up, Insecure, Nuts, Emotionally unstable- FINE.

Victoria S:   You’re like a word guru who sees right through me.

Thelma & Louise:   We know. We know. Now tell us, what were you wearing?

Victoria S: It’s funny you asked what I was wearing.  I’m a little OCD, superstitious or wacko but I don’t remember – which is good.  Because I would probably never wear it again.

Thelma & Louise:   Well you are Victoria Secret, we just figured you would remember which bikini you were sporting the moment you heard about your booby cancer.

Victoria S: Would you believe I finally found the perfect bras, finally shelled out the cash for new ones and now I might have to get all new ones again!! How annoying is THAT!

Thelma & Louise:   Are they pink? Can we have them?

 Victoria S: No.

 Thelma & Louise:   K. Moving on. So you found out about the news, your husband came to pick you up, you were scared shitless, then what?

Victoria S: Crying. crying. crying. And panicking.

Thelma & Louise:   How long did that fit last for? (a perfectly normal response to devastating news by the way. Yes you are normal.) Well normal in that situation, not typically normal as a whole person though.

Victoria S:   Normal- so overrated. So the rest of the day I cried a lot.  Woke up in the middle of the night pacing, panicking and not being able to breathe. As you can see, I handle difficult situations well.

Thelma & Louise:   You’re a rockstar. Go on

Victoria S: Then I spoke to one other person the following day.  And THIS is what changed me made me realize how I would deal with this.

Thelma & Louise:   You did? Who is this person, can we have her/his number? What did this genius human tell you?

Victoria S: I was put in touch with an organization on the east coast called Sharsheret which is an organization that connects you to someone who takes you through this process.  The put me in touch with a counselor who has been giving me tools to deal with this

Thelma & Louise:   Can you share with us some of these tools? This is the juicy part we are hoping to really uncover.

Victoria S: She told me a story.  Here goes. She said you know when you pack for vacation and you pretty much bring items for every possible scenario.  You get to the airport- you’re pissed.  Your luggage is overweight- you pay extra. You get home, download your pictures to your computer and realize you only wore two things that you packed anyway and wasted all that time, energy, and money for NOTHING.  So, her advice was to just pack for the day.  Take what you need for that day, come home, unpack and then just prepare for the next day.  Repeat.  I cannot tell you what that visual has done for me!  There is NO WAY to know what I need for next week until I go out today, get the information I need, come home and process that…unpack, take that info from today…use it for tomorrow…and keep going.

Thelma & Louise:   That’s like flippin genius! Tell us more

Victoria S: I am using that every day for the rest of my life.  Even after this cancer shit is out of my body

Thelma & Louise:   Do you think that now you are dealing with this huge ordeal, you have been changed in some way?

Victoria S: Absolutely. 1000%. yep. Yes. Uh huh. Duh!

Thelma & Louise:   Give us some lessons you’re currently experiencing.

Victoria S: I have spent the last few years reading and taking in all those positive quotes and rainbow and butterfly pictures from Facebook.  Trying to believe them.  Rolling my eyes at some of them but knowing these things are always good to hear.I have had a pretty rough patch the last few years and things haven’t been easy. I have tried to be grateful for what I have and my MANY MANY MANY blessings.   But now, I actually believe that. I feel authentically grateful.  It’s no bullshit now.  I have an excellent prognosis.  If I was going to get breast cancer, apparently, this is the way to get it. Found it early. Treatable. I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for everything. I am grateful for my path.  I am pretty proud of myself that I am sitting here with breast cancer right this second and I am not folded up like a pup tent panicking.  I do have to say I feel that way because of the doctors and the people around me who can answer questions and assure me that by me sitting here and not knowing what type of surgery I am having won’t change the course of the cancer. I don’t know what I’m having yet…lumpectomy, masectomy…still waiting….took the blood test to see if I have the cancer gene and if I do, that’s a whole other thing to deal with.  And the fact that I am OK with whatever surgery I need to do absolutely floors me.  I cannot believe I am able to handle this.  The waiting. I am pretty proud of myself.  That’s new for me.

Thelma & Louise: Wow. Is it weird that we are actually excited for you? Not excited that you have cancer- but excited that you are transforming and becoming more enlightened, that this challenge is not defining you, but that you are defining it. That is a warrior kick ass way to look at illness. Can you tell us, what is the one thing you believe you are meant to learn from this entire new path you are on?

Victoria S: You don’t learn just one thing. If you learn just one thing you missed the point.  It is all encompassing.  You learn to see more around you.  You really do learn that there is more to life than just your crap.  I’m not the only one dealing with something like this so get the fuck over yourself, take care of it, move on and see how you can make other people’s lives better.  You learn that when someone else is mean to you, it really is not about you.  It’s them.  And they have some hand they were dealt that maybe they don’t have the tools or resources to cope with. So chill the fuck out, take one step at a time, gather information, take care of business and fucking GO LIVE LIFE!  It is truly a gift.

Thelma & Louise:   What is one surprise that you are discovering?

Victoria S: I thought I was going to hate G-d when I got a diagnosis like this.  It was the opposite.  I might not have loved Him more at that moment but I asked him what to do…please show me how to get through this. Please let me do whatever I need to do to be here for my children so I can teach them what I’m learning.  I so appreciate that I am finally authentically grateful. And when my children learn what I am going through (they won’t know until I know what surgery I am having), they will learn that no one gets through life without having to deal with some kind of crap and you will get through it – you will learn – you will grow and you will still have to clean your rooms!

Thelma & Louise: Scariest thought?

Victoria S: You know, the scariest thing once you hear the new (besides what I already said) is that you think it’s everywhere in your body eating away at every muscle, organ…and the longer you don’t do anything about it the quicker you’re going to die. And seeing my kids faces each moment before I had any answers was torture. Absolute pain. Especially when you are keeping a secret like this from them until you get more answers.

Thelma & Louise:   What/Who are you MOST grateful for? (please say me)

Victoria S: I do need to say that my husband…

Thelma & Louise:   Of course its him-

Victoria S: …is the serious rock star. He took control, stayed calm, filled out every form at the doctors office (before biopsy, mri, etc) as I wouldn’t have even known how to spell my name or use a pen for that matter).

Thelma & Louise:   You don’t know how to spell your name or hold a pen on a good day

Victoria S: Ya, and imagine what I was like after hearing that shit news? I must SAY-I love him I love him I love him.  I still can’t stand how he eats cereal or holds a fork but I am so lucky, blessed, cursed (whatever!) that he’s my partner.

Thelma & Louise:   Thank you for sharing your story. We will definitely be following up with you, if that’s ok.

Victoria S: Absolutely!

Thelma & Louise:   Now put on that fancy lingerie for that hot hubby of yours and don’t forget to Get real OR go home! (Oh and tell your husband to eat a sandwich. Don’t need forks for that -it’s the least he can do)