You Can Roar

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You can nourish while holding, carrying, loving and speaking to another.

You can contract and expand your girth in one year depending on how much another human requires your life blood.

You can dance and sing, speak, walk and clean all in the same time span when the moment calls for it.

You are capable of redefining your human experience the way you see fit.

Your beauty is your power. Your voice is your gift. Your choices are your own. Your dignity is your diamond. Your body is your temple to love without judgement.

Your hugs impact great communication far beyond words will carry.

Your kiss can heal in the same moment that it can suggest.

You are all powerful beyond your frame- despite your class- in face of your gentility.

You are a woman.

Who-

Even when she drinks tequila can look fly on the dance floor.

Because-

You are a woman.

 

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The Big Victoria’s Secret Part 2

 

 

Thelma & Louise: Welcome to Part 2 of The Big Victoria’s Secret

 

“Victoria Secret” is a red head. So that makes her feisty and adorable. Two months ago I had the privilege of interviewing her in an anonymous fashion because she was in the early stages of learning her current predicament of getting breast cancer and didn’t want anyone to know yet. She was wonderful about using this blog to sort through some of her experiences and we were proud she had the moxie to share her story, for the sake of helping others, even though there were some key people in her life that she had yet to share it with. Today she has agreed to “Come out” of the closet (Not literally as in becoming gay- although the jury’s still out on that one….I mean she does text me like every day to tell me how much she loves me) just literally as in she’s willing to expose her real name. We are fortunate enough to have this sexxy (not tall but still skinny) “Victoria Secret-esque” “Thelma and Louise Bad Ass Courageous Diva of the Month” share her latest experiences in battling this horrid disease. Here’s her latest update- Stefanie Friedman, you ROCK!

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Isn’t she gorgeous?

 

(PS we will still be referring to Stefanie as Victoria Secret because her husband really sees her like the tall skinny model in the photo captured below. As you can see, he’s even willing to walk next to her wearing scrawny wings to showcase his love.)

Victoria Secret

 

“Victoria Secret”: So what do you want from me now?

 

Thelma & Louise: Its been a full 2 months since we last interviewed you and we want to know what the hell is going on.

 

“Victoria S”: Do you think anyone read part 1?

 

Thelma & Louise: Probably not. So here’s a little recap for the 2 people that will probably read part 2-

Last time we spoke you had just gotten a pretty scary diagnosis. (you can read Victoria Secret’s first interview HERE) At that point no one knew you had breast cancer except for T&L and a few therapists. Tell us, where are you today in this incredible journey?   And please take us through every detail, We are thorough like that.

 

“Victoria S”: Well, in 10 fun-filled weeks I was diagnosed with breast cancer, had 2 surgeries, genetic testing, and now seem to be in pretty good shape! Tomorrow I go to my oncologist and talk about radiation/hormone therapy.  I don’t need chemo so it’s a good day!

 

 

Thelma & Louise: Wow! That IS a lot to happen in 70 days- I don’t think that much happens to most people in 10 weeks. I mean Gerbils give birth in like 26 days, but I think they’re the only ones who have that sort of turn around.

 

“Victoria S”: Wait, I forgot to add that I had a few MRI’s, 2 biopsies.  Can’t forget that fun time.

 

Thelma & Louise: Like I said- Gerbil excitement. Now please, Walk us through a few things, did you ever decide to tell your children about the diagnosis, and if so, how did that go down?And why were you hesitant to share it with them in the first place?

 

“Victoria S”: I didn’t want to tell anyone what was going on until I knew what I was facing.  The conversation could have gone one of two ways. Once I was told this was manageable and I wasn’t going to fucking DIE (at least from this!) I was able to decide how to tell the family.  I was so grateful that this was the conversation I was going to have with my kids.  Not saying good-bye.  Even writing that it chokes me up.

After I got results from genetic testing and didn’t have the gene that would have led me to a double mastectomy and removal of other lady parts, we decided a lumpectomy would be fine for my care. I found out the Monday of Thanksgiving and decided to wait until after Thanksgiving to share the whole story.  I didn’t want to ruin everyone’s holiday.

Thelma & Louise: Smart move

 

Victoria S: Smarter then a Gerbel?

 

Thelma & Louise: Let’s not push it. So how did that conversation go over?

 

Victoria S: I have two daughters ages 16 and 13 and a son who is 6 years old. So, one daughter broke down, hyperventilated and got under the covers.  The other one just took it all in and was very quiet.  The little boy was with his grandparents playing ninja.  He knows nothing.  Just mommy has a boo boo in her armpit and he can’t jump on me for a while.  The hysterical daughter asked 300 questions after she calmed down.  The quiet daughter was fine until the next day when she was getting out of the car to go to school.  She lost it.

OK. what else?  What didn’t I answer?

 

Thelma & Louise: Nothing, you’re doing great.

 What’s important to remember is how children process differently, and it sounds like both of your daughters definitely processed this in their own distinct way, and It sounds like you handled it great. How do they seem to be handling it now that the cat’s out of the bag?

 

Victoria S: I was very prepared.  I had and still have a wonderful (man) team of experts who helped me prepare for that moment. And I am almost 49 and I like gift cards. I REALLY like gift cards.

 

Thelma & Louise: For those of you reading this article, please take note…..GIFT CARDS can be sent to – where should we send those?

Back to reality….tell us what was the most difficult moment you’ve had  in all these 10 weeks?

Victoria S: You mean “Gerbel years”

 

Thelma & Louise: Correct

 

Victoria S: I would say getting the call from the doctor with the news and then not knowing if I was going to live or die was high up there on the difficult moments. I cannot even express how scary and painful that was. And I saw three different doctors before I was actually convinced that it was going to be OK. I didn’t beleive anyone!

(Please fix my spelling of believe!)☺

 

Thelma & Louise: (Will do) (funny I always misspell that word too. Fuck that word)

Victoria’s a model so she can’t spell. She meant to write “BELIEVE”. Now the spell mongers can shut it. Good?

Victoria S: Yes. Thanks.

 

Thelma & Louise: It sounds like you’ve been literally given a second chance at life, so what’s new on your bucket list now?

 

Victoria S: I am so grateful that I can finally breathe and FINALLY not get worked up over things that used to drive me insane and cause me stress.  And because of this, I seem to be much happier AND patient. So, now my bucket list is to enjoy everything I can, to learn to be in the present and enjoy everything. And just LIVE – don’t wait for things – don’t wait for the right time to get something done – it might never happen – just enjoy the little things. That sounds dorky.  Oh, and I want to go on vacation with my family like ASAP!!!!

 

Thelma & Louise: Where do you want to go? Our readers may want to send you…mine as well say it….

 

Victoria S: I don’t even care.  I just want to be with them somewhere – just the 5 of us – in a hotel fighting about who gets what bed.

 

Thelma & Louise: So like Motel 6 by the freeway?

 

Victoria S: That would seriously be fine.  I am not kidding. Even just a trip to Disneyland overnight…Legoland…. Hawaii…Mexico….

 

Thelma & Louise: So Motel 6 to Cabo. Wow that changed real quick.

We at Thelma and Louise (there’s actually no we, but I like saying that so it seems like “we” have a big company of people) So we at Thelma and Louise believe that everything that happens in our lives good and bad seasons us further to develop in to a better more aware human being. That being said, now that you have been “Seasoned” like a cupcake on steroids, we’d like to ask you to play a little game with us. You ready?

 

Victoria S: ok. Do I have to be naked for this game?

 

Thelma & Louise: I’m going to say a word, and I want you to write the first word that comes to mind. Here we go:

 

HUSBAND-

 

Victoria S:   LOVE

 

Thelma & Louise: HAPPINESS

 

Victoria S: JOY

 

Thelma & Louise: DEATH

 

Victoria S: SCARY

 

Thelma & Louise: ALIVE

 

Victoria S: EXCITED

 

Thelma & Louise: MOST IMPORTANT PRIORITY (that was 3 words, so shoot me)

 

Victoria S: FAMILY and GIFT CARDS (that’s two words)

 

Thelma & Louise: LOVE IT! That wasn’t a word….the game is done. You passed with flying colors

 

Victoria S: OK. Now I have a game for you. Ready?

 

Thelma & Louise: Hit me

Victoria S: What’s the first word you think of when you hear Victoria Secret? (me, not the tramps)

 

Thelma & Louise: I thought you were a tramp. I have more than one word that comes to mind….(Besides wings)

Strong

Funny

Sexxy ….no wait…

Warrior QUEEN

PROUD OF YOU

 

Victoria S: It’s weird.  I have to tell you, I do NOT feel like a warrior. I feel like there are so many other women who have this disease and have to fight so so hard week in and week out. I seemed to have gotten so lucky and I have no right to call myself a fighter or warrior or whatever adjectives are used to describe these incredible women out there battling this.

 

Thelma & Louise: I think a warrior is someone who lives graciously through difficult experiences, and I think you have done that valiantly. You don’t have to almost die, or be in a hospital bed, or have to have horrible life ending news to become a warrior. Everyone’s personal test is truly there’s to experience, and it’s how we experience these pitfalls that – like I said- season us. I remember visiting you right after your surgery, You never complained once, even though I know that you were in severe pain, (I would have milked it more) you continued to keep your incredible sense of humor through it all. I think that when life hits us hard- that is when our true character comes out. And I guess that’s why I think of you as a warrior. Because you battled, but never allowed the battle to get you – you got IT. AND that’s what makes you the “Thelma and Louise Bad Ass Courageous Diva of the Month.”

Victoria S: OK, you’ve convinced me

 

Thelma & Louise: Your trophy is in the mail.

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Stefanie’s Trophy

 

 

Victoria S: Are we done?  I have to poop

 

Thelma & Louise: Yes. Thanks for sharing-

 

NOW GET REAL OR GO HOME!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Change SUCKS

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The world has changed so much – it is ever evolving and there are things I’m not crazy about and other things I love. Here are a few sayings that meant totally something else when I was a kid than it does now. For those of you who don’t get us 80’s kids- Bite me you millennial iPhone texting freak.

Amazon- Some place in a Disney movie where very large women live. You couldn’t get there or receive anything from this Amazon except maybe a letter from Uncle Dick letting you know he found big bugs to eat and he won’t be coming back till he catches a pirhana.
Facebook- An actual book with faces in it- otherwise known as a photo album with cellophane you’d pull back to load your Polaroids in- unless u had a better camera and then you’d go to Thrifty’s to pick up pictures you took a week before without seeing them first on your camera screen to check and see if it was a good angle. For ten bucks you’d get a stack of photos and two out of the thirty were usually decent – but you were smart because you purchased doubles so now you had 56 awful pictures of half faces and ceilings. But it’s okay because you were eating Thrifty’s chocolate ice cream scooped up in a square shape so you didn’t give a shit.
Text- ACTUAL REAL LETTERS you would WRITE. (for those of you who don’t know what writing is, bite me.) These were letters you would write using a REAL writing utensil (I’m not talking about a plastic two hundred dollar “pen” that has no ink you can make fancy letters on a screen you dumb-asses.) The text I’m talking about was from writing- like from a calligraphy class your mother made you take with annoying shaped pens to improve your penmanship that was so bad no one – not even your fourth grade teacher could read without wincing.
Snapchat- That was nothing. Not even a real word. Unless you were stupid Timmy Burzon who insisted on snapping his fingers during fifth grade math games while he (chatted) blurted out the answer to four times nine. I think Timmy might of had turret because he also blurted out “Orange” every time the school bell rang.
Youtube- That was an actual U SHAPED TUBE connected to the vacuum cleaner that no one knew what to do with even though your mother was pissed everytime you lost it.
Voicemail-  Someone who showed up at your doorstep that gave you papers- no one liked getting these papers- but I know this was voicemail because the strangers would use their voice to deliver these letters and say “you’ve been served” and my daddy would usually respond with his real voice too by saying “oh shit”.
Coffee shops like Starbucks- They were called diners and you could order burgers first before your coffee. Trust me, they were much better. Hello Bob’s Big Boy why’d you leave us?
Tweet- The sound of morning. There were no dings or pings or pokes- the sun would come up- the birds would chirp and TWEET BARK TWEET you knew it was time for breakfast- unless you had an alarm clock and then you’d hear a buzzing sound that would make you want to murder anything alive.
Instagram- Nothing was instant except crappy Folgers coffee that no one drank but had GREAT commercials with sunshine and hunky men in cowboy boots. As for gram the only time we used the word gram was when the cops would measure cocaine in a drug bust. I know this because when I was little and in school my teacher would tell us these grams killed our brains by demonstrating fried eggs on a skillet. I know- I never understood that either.
Hulu- We didn’t watch hulu- we played with one- It was a large ring you’d place around your hips- everyone fought over this toy on the blacktop even though once you got inside it made you look like a hooker. So while we didn’t watch hulu- we sure did have everyone else watch us hulu while we twirled in it.
TV– Oh shut up we had one. We just didn’t have TiVo or on demand or Netflix or anything good. We had HBO and show time – but only if you’re  obsessed with zombie-ing out – kind of like what all humans do now on their iPhones.
Speaking of iPhones-
iPhones- We had phones but they were not mobile and they were connected to walls with long chords and came in different colors without overpriced covers or glass screens that cost $120 to fix. We actually NEVER had to fix our phones because they were indestructible and if someone would have said “iphone” it was probably E.T.
And It would have probably gone something like this “I Phone. Me Hungry.”
American Idol- We used this phrase to refer to people like President Reagan, Ted Bundy, or Luke Skywalker – none of these people could sing or dance. At all.
Tablet- That little something you took for back pain the Dr. wrote prescriptions for. You couldn’t read from it- but if you took enough little tablets you could look like one of those guys who stand on the street corner with a megaphone reading from a Bible that looks like an ancient tablet.
Uber- The only time we used “uber” was when we kids spoke of our future and about how one day we’d grow up and make the entire world “uber awesome”
But is it? Let’s assess-

 

Sliders- WTF?? Since when is it ok to make tiny burgers and give them a name reminiscent of our childhood happy place at the playground?? When I was growing up NOTHING was small- ESPECIALLY burgers. Infact we were brought up believing anything small (except fashion models) were not worth the time it took to say “Where’s the beef?”

So it it better? Have we made the world a cooler place? Well, you tell me. Now you have tinier burgers and little electric cars with minuscule trunks and small phones that break and get lost and everything is little except the average BMI – I mean, I think the jury is still out on that one….

 

Happy 2016

 

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What i’ve learned this year:

-attitude dictates everything

-narratives can b changed

-courage can be attained alone but cant be sustained alone

-whole wheat toast is the devil dressed up in a tutu

-growing up is annoying but inevitable.

-resilience is the decision to accept and aspire

-comparing, measuring and weighing should only be done on a scale – in the bathroom. Anywhere else will turn a person ugly.

 

NOW GET REAL OR GO HOME!

The Secret to a Happy Marriage is NOT commitment

 

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Look how cute we are- It’s like we never fight. 

This week we celebrated 21 years of a successful marriage. I’ve been married longer in my life than I’ve been unmarried, which gives me the authority to know a thing or two about how marriage works.

 

In 21 years my husband and I have collected dozens of stories on what makes a great marriage. Aside from religiously watching family comedy since we’re like five, (Thanks for ruining that Cliff Huxtable) we’ve also done some serious live research, which has given us insight on how to keep our marriage strong and also on what NOT to do.

 

As long as I can remember, we’ve played this little game that whenever we meet someone who’s been married for 20 plus years we’ve always asked them- “What’s your secret?” My husband and I have gotten dozens of answers over these past 21 years.

 

The worst answer is

“I don’t know”

Of course you know the secret! You’re just not telling us. Are you cruel, do you have a secret room you keep your answers in but won’t let us in because there’s some 50 shades shit goin on in there? What is it that you don’t know? Maybe you can’t share the secret, because deep down you wonder if you should still be in your marriage. That or you’re just hungry for potato salad and you don’t want to talk to me in aisle three of the mass food chain that we shall namely call “Smart and Final”- the coveted name that many people associate with marriage.

 

Some of the answers we have loved and have snickered at are-

  1. “She made me stay”
  2. “Did I have another choice? Damn- I didn’t realize.”
  3. “No one else would want either of us.”
  4. “He makes me laugh”
  5. “She’s a great cook”
  6. “I’m truly in love with her”
  7. “Her mother lives in Baltimore”
  8. “We’re too lazy to get divorced.”
  9. “We have lots of patience for one another.”
  10. “There’s no one else in the world I’d rather be with.”
  11. “I truly believe our marriage is special- like angels sang when we met.”
  12. “She’s beautiful”
  13. “She’s hot, I’m not”
  14. “She doesn’t take life too seriously”
  15. “He’s rich, I’m a great shopper”
  16. “He’s a great kisser”

 

 

As you can see, we’ve truly heard it all. But there’s always been one answer that has left me uneasy. One answer that has made me actually frown every time I hear it. Like when I hear it, I feel a wave of nausea bubble over from my kidneys- like a ball and chain is dragging me into an oblivion of “aaah, you poor thing” rhetoric. That answer is- “Commitment”

 

Commitment?

 

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What “Commitment” looks like

 

I know you are surprised. Is this the moment you just assume I’m a loose showgirl who hopes one day Robbie morphs into Javier? No, I’m in a monogamous relationship which I deeply value. So I do respect commitment. But I can’t deal with the secret of marriage being commitment. There’s a difference.

 

When someone tells me the secret to their 42- year marriage is commitment, I just think- “Really- you are bound to each other because you are committed?? How sad!” It sounds like a psyche sentence or a prison punishment. I’d like to believe we stick with marriage because of love and the by-product of that love is commitment not the other way around. Sure we need the commitment, but if that’s the secret to the marriage, then I am assuming that your secret to staying has to do with a pretty lousy decision, versus an uplifting one. If the answer to the secret to being married for 20 plus years is that you are just committed to staying there, then I’m going to assume you really hate your spouse. But that’s just me.

 

I guess when I think of “Commitment” I think of these words- responsibility, obligation, duty, tie, liability; task; engagement, arrangement. Those words are the least kind, lovely, romantic, hot, sexy, sweet words. They are the sort of words that sounds like doing taxes, organizing your pantry or getting your yearly colonoscopy. These words speak of a different sort of union. And I’m not really interested in having that sort of love.

 

A puppy. A puppy needs that sort of love. Have you ever been told you need to shell out $500 to learn how to hand feed a Chihuahua because she has acid reflux and you might get doggy vomit all over your hands? Now that’s not just COMMITMENT- it’s an obligation.

 

I’m not saying when you’re married you don’t have to do gross shit, I’m just saying, that’s not the secret to a happy marriage. So no, I don’t want my marriage to be like owning a dog.

 

You know who also needs commitment? Plants. Plants need commitment. They need someone to show up every day and do the same crap Every. Single. Day. Water, plantfood and repeat. Sure there’s that exciting time of the month you move the plant a quarter of an inch to be in the light. Ya, that sounds super hot. Let’s face it, owning a plant takes commitment but it’s also monotonous, boring and predictable. NOPE, I don’t want my marriage to be like watering a plant either. I don’t think that’s the secret to a happy marriage.

 

So I guess that if someone asked me what was the secret to my marriage I’d say

“The pursuit to grasp romantic love.”

 

I say the pursuit, because it is a constant quest, one that sometimes comes very easily, and other times comes with more exertion. I never signed up for a committed marriage, not that I want him flying off and having an affair with some cowgirl named CiCi, but I definitely need more than his willingness to feel obligated to stay with me and for me to feel the responsibility to never leave. I think the secret to our great marriage is that our commitment to one another is the side-effect, not the conductor to our love. Our goal is always to strive to fall in love, I think that’s our secret. We work on falling in love everyday. And when I don’t feel like I’m falling, then I flip out, have a temper tantrum and wear a tight dress until we get back on track to start falling all over again.

 

So that’s my secret to a 21 happy years. We fall Every. Single. Day. And it’s never monotonous, boring or predictable. I’m not saying we have always gotten it right, or that we have not sunk into those “Committed” days. But thank God, we have never been happy with that mediocrity. We have continued to strive for awesome, and I think that’s our secret to staying together for 21 years.

 

So NO. Commitment is NOT the secret to our marriage. Thank The Good Lord- if it were I’d need to start calling Robbie “Fern” and buy him a blue pot to sleep in.

 

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