Change SUCKS


The world has changed so much – it is ever evolving and there are things I’m not crazy about and other things I love. Here are a few sayings that meant totally something else when I was a kid than it does now. For those of you who don’t get us 80’s kids- Bite me you millennial iPhone texting freak.

Amazon- Some place in a Disney movie where very large women live. You couldn’t get there or receive anything from this Amazon except maybe a letter from Uncle Dick letting you know he found big bugs to eat and he won’t be coming back till he catches a pirhana.
Facebook- An actual book with faces in it- otherwise known as a photo album with cellophane you’d pull back to load your Polaroids in- unless u had a better camera and then you’d go to Thrifty’s to pick up pictures you took a week before without seeing them first on your camera screen to check and see if it was a good angle. For ten bucks you’d get a stack of photos and two out of the thirty were usually decent – but you were smart because you purchased doubles so now you had 56 awful pictures of half faces and ceilings. But it’s okay because you were eating Thrifty’s chocolate ice cream scooped up in a square shape so you didn’t give a shit.
Text- ACTUAL REAL LETTERS you would WRITE. (for those of you who don’t know what writing is, bite me.) These were letters you would write using a REAL writing utensil (I’m not talking about a plastic two hundred dollar “pen” that has no ink you can make fancy letters on a screen you dumb-asses.) The text I’m talking about was from writing- like from a calligraphy class your mother made you take with annoying shaped pens to improve your penmanship that was so bad no one – not even your fourth grade teacher could read without wincing.
Snapchat- That was nothing. Not even a real word. Unless you were stupid Timmy Burzon who insisted on snapping his fingers during fifth grade math games while he (chatted) blurted out the answer to four times nine. I think Timmy might of had turret because he also blurted out “Orange” every time the school bell rang.
Youtube- That was an actual U SHAPED TUBE connected to the vacuum cleaner that no one knew what to do with even though your mother was pissed everytime you lost it.
Voicemail-  Someone who showed up at your doorstep that gave you papers- no one liked getting these papers- but I know this was voicemail because the strangers would use their voice to deliver these letters and say “you’ve been served” and my daddy would usually respond with his real voice too by saying “oh shit”.
Coffee shops like Starbucks- They were called diners and you could order burgers first before your coffee. Trust me, they were much better. Hello Bob’s Big Boy why’d you leave us?
Tweet- The sound of morning. There were no dings or pings or pokes- the sun would come up- the birds would chirp and TWEET BARK TWEET you knew it was time for breakfast- unless you had an alarm clock and then you’d hear a buzzing sound that would make you want to murder anything alive.
Instagram- Nothing was instant except crappy Folgers coffee that no one drank but had GREAT commercials with sunshine and hunky men in cowboy boots. As for gram the only time we used the word gram was when the cops would measure cocaine in a drug bust. I know this because when I was little and in school my teacher would tell us these grams killed our brains by demonstrating fried eggs on a skillet. I know- I never understood that either.
Hulu- We didn’t watch hulu- we played with one- It was a large ring you’d place around your hips- everyone fought over this toy on the blacktop even though once you got inside it made you look like a hooker. So while we didn’t watch hulu- we sure did have everyone else watch us hulu while we twirled in it.
TV– Oh shut up we had one. We just didn’t have TiVo or on demand or Netflix or anything good. We had HBO and show time – but only if you’re  obsessed with zombie-ing out – kind of like what all humans do now on their iPhones.
Speaking of iPhones-
iPhones- We had phones but they were not mobile and they were connected to walls with long chords and came in different colors without overpriced covers or glass screens that cost $120 to fix. We actually NEVER had to fix our phones because they were indestructible and if someone would have said “iphone” it was probably E.T.
And It would have probably gone something like this “I Phone. Me Hungry.”
American Idol- We used this phrase to refer to people like President Reagan, Ted Bundy, or Luke Skywalker – none of these people could sing or dance. At all.
Tablet- That little something you took for back pain the Dr. wrote prescriptions for. You couldn’t read from it- but if you took enough little tablets you could look like one of those guys who stand on the street corner with a megaphone reading from a Bible that looks like an ancient tablet.
Uber- The only time we used “uber” was when we kids spoke of our future and about how one day we’d grow up and make the entire world “uber awesome”
But is it? Let’s assess-


Sliders- WTF?? Since when is it ok to make tiny burgers and give them a name reminiscent of our childhood happy place at the playground?? When I was growing up NOTHING was small- ESPECIALLY burgers. Infact we were brought up believing anything small (except fashion models) were not worth the time it took to say “Where’s the beef?”

So it it better? Have we made the world a cooler place? Well, you tell me. Now you have tinier burgers and little electric cars with minuscule trunks and small phones that break and get lost and everything is little except the average BMI – I mean, I think the jury is still out on that one….



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