Naked Perfect

So I did something REALLY LA stupid. I signed up for Equinox for a three day trial. If you live in Kansas, this means nothing to you. It just sounds like I signed up for a new app or a place that sells foreign objects. So if you are living in Kansas and reading this, (why are you reading this?) then I will explain what this outter space sounding planet is.

Equinox is the gym of all gyms in the coveted land of celebrity vanity here in Los Angeles. It is literally the gym athletes flock to in their perfectly coiffed blown out hair extensions wearing nothing but LU LU Lemons ( you know who you are). It is the place all Gods and Goddesses work out, tone and oh ya, relax in. Personally I only did it for the soft towels and the Eucalyptus Steam room. Ya, I said it. And of course for the free parking, I mean who can resist that combo? They offered me a “great deal” at $205 a month to use their soft towels everyday, but I Amazon Primed a $5 bottle of eucalyptus oil instead and said thanks but I’ll only be here for 3 days- no Equinox membership for me. No one was very happy with me except for Arturo the parking attendant who seemed to be the only friendly face I experienced the entire time I was there- Oh well there was “Francis” the personal trainer who wore all black except for his tortoise shell aviators. That friendly convo almost cost me $9,000 in personal training sessions- but I was wise, I dashed to the yoga room before he had a chance to give me the Pilates room tour- F that. I know I am sounding cynical, but to be honest, I am sort of sick of the Semi friendly agenda driven faces I see daily in LA- and I guess I just want someone to invite me to their gym because I’m nice and not “in need of a total body makeover” “Shut up blonde girl who kept staring at me while I hit the treadmill and thought I might need her “Friendly hints” on getting that “perfect physique.” Have you seen my gene pool? It literally has heart disease no matter how well I eat written all over it!

So am I happy I went? Yes- because I learned a huge lesson on the ability to age gracefully while not caving to the depravities of vanity this city clearly holds so dear. AND I REALLY REALLY LIKED those cold minty towels. (no i did not steal one.)  (I thought about it though, OHHHH I thought about it.)

I’m at the gym changing in the locker room  when in comes two 20-year-olds chatting and encouraging each other on their minuscule diet plan that consisted of caffeinated coffee, green tea, a bunch of vitamins I’ve never heard before, CLA, IRS, BM’s (probably breath mints) and of course a ton of bubbly water (to keep their hunger pangs away). On the outside they appeared to be “the perfect LA female specimens”. Perfect as in untouched from human life experience, lacking any scars,  disfiguration or trauma from the escapades of worldliness. They were the perfect combo to off set an ” I’m not good enough nor will never be like them” rant most women in the locker room clearly had running in their unspoken bubbles hanging above their heads like a terrible comic. In this case I was clearly the big orange Garfield standing between the Victoria Secret Angels.

They spent a good twenty minutes comparing their perfect non-abs quipping about how they plan on having “these flat bellies forever-” bc i guess they are “just that freakin DNA blessed” or delusional possessed. In between my eye rolling, eavesdropping, note taking and letting my flab hang out on purpose so they would know what to expect should a baby ever invade their “perfect concave tummies” (cue LMFAO’s-“Girl look at my body, I work out” soundtrack) I spotted another woman blowdrying her hair.

There in all her glory peered a woman a few years ahead of me. She was desperately trying to hold onto her youth with a fresh face of botox – but her warm eyes and familiar nod had me realizing we were on the “same team.” This female specimen had the body of a warrior female who flaunted with grace and dignity her share of battles- her naked left breast had been clearly maimed from what I assumed was cancer and radiation treatment. And I could tell she was listening very intently – hanging onto every word of the other girl team’s convo. When the youngins were finished- after I tucked my own cellulite into my underpants- the woman with the scar turned to me and said “what did those girls say- I tried to listen but I didn’t hear everything – sounded like they really knew something-” Hoping I would be the messenger to reveal the secret of youth- I spouted-  “Really?- after their first baby, Mammogram, and uterus exam will any of it really matter?“

The irony of reality hitting our adult selves could be cut with a scalpel. No amount of time, age or plastic can change the one thing we all inevitably become victims to- nope, its called adult-ing (notice I don’t use the term aging- that my friends is a BS term 20 year olds made up to convince us that our human scars of life are odious embarrassments vs the Medallion of Honor and Grace that they ARE.

You know what those two girls said? They said nothing, they said absolutely nothing. They said that they know little of the pains of childbirth, stress and clawing our way to the feminine tower. They said little of how much work it takes to make our female bodies contain life, then rid of it, then react to the changes because of it, then morph, grow and transform in spite of it. They said very little of the tears we shed when we are trying to conceive, the tears we lose after our growing bellies expel all the muscle and leave you with stretch marks. They said very little about the power of our breasts feeding life only to turn on our own lives. They said so little, that I wondered how on God’s Green Earth women knee deep into adulthood with all of the brilliance, understanding, knowledge and redemption they have acquired could possibly even for one moment listen and hope to hold on to even a sentence- yet an entire conversation of such naive words. While Adult-ing is not always fun, it does take bravery, whit and a hell of a sense of humor. I’ll take that over concave non-existent ab talk ANY DAY.

After that the woman with the half boob and I put on our sexy lingerie that reveals and half covers our feminine scars, we high fived each other and headed outta there with only one goal in mind- to eat a cookie while dancing on a rooftop. I bet that other girl team never thinks to do THAT. (Cue Lady Marmalade Soundtrack here)

 

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You Can Roar

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You can nourish while holding, carrying, loving and speaking to another.

You can contract and expand your girth in one year depending on how much another human requires your life blood.

You can dance and sing, speak, walk and clean all in the same time span when the moment calls for it.

You are capable of redefining your human experience the way you see fit.

Your beauty is your power. Your voice is your gift. Your choices are your own. Your dignity is your diamond. Your body is your temple to love without judgement.

Your hugs impact great communication far beyond words will carry.

Your kiss can heal in the same moment that it can suggest.

You are all powerful beyond your frame- despite your class- in face of your gentility.

You are a woman.

Who-

Even when she drinks tequila can look fly on the dance floor.

Because-

You are a woman.

 

Courageous Dressy Diva

IMG_6558     Sharon Langert is the founder of one of our favorite fashion forward blogs that highlights confident yet modest styles known as “Fashion-Isha.”  Besides being a wicked awesome beautiful diva/Blogger, she is also a 40 something Mom of 5, grandma- (WE KNOW!) stylist, skincare consultant, and kidney donor- She believes in living an inspiring life, always looking for the next big thing to help women and make a difference. Sharon has created her own line of modest clothes and works in event planning, wardrobe styling, freelance writing, and social media marketing. Contact Sharon at ask.fashionisha@gmail.com and follow her on FacebookTwitter.   Feel free to follow her blog and catch her dolled up insta-pics! We think she knows how to kick fear in the face-

Here’s what she had to say about facing fear, gathering courage and owning our bodies-

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Thelma & Louise: We are BIG HUGE Fans of your fashion blog. Where did you get the idea to start a fashion blog that focuses on Modest styles?

Fashion-Isha: I’ve always loved fashion and being an orthodox Jewish woman, I have struggled with the challenge of dressing modestly, while still looking fabulous. I felt there was something lacking in the fashion world that celebrated modest fashion so I decided to start my blog as a kind of magazine for the fashionable classic woman.

Thelma & Louise: What are some of your favorite designers, and do you think that the fashion world has began to rethink how much skin to show?

Fashion-Isha: I’m a huge fan of DVF,
Diane Von Furstenberg's Journey of A Dress Exhibition Opening Celebration

because she is not only a fashion icon, but a woman who has experienced so much and seems to remain relevant regardless of her age. I also love the Burberry Prorsum collections

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because every season they are so beautiful and modest too! And yes, thankfully, today modest fashion is very en vogue. I think it’s because women are becoming more self-assured and want to be seen as intelligent creative beings instead of just bodies to be admired!

Thelma & Louise: Lets talk a little bit more about that- Who would you say is that iconic woman who embodies classic fashion and self confidence that you really admire?

Fashion-Isha: Kate Middleton truly personifies what a princess should look like

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and Olivia Palermo is often very modest without having modesty in mind.

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They both embody a very high fashion way to dress.  Sara Jessica Parker and Angelina Jolie 

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often dress modestly as well, and these are women that are very self assured and accomplished. You don’t have to spend a lot to look great. Trends come and go but dress the way you feel most beautiful and focus on great shoes and accessories!

 Thelma & Louise: Do you feel those women embody a certain respect as a result of their dress choices?

Fashion-Isha: Yes, I do feel they have not only earned respect through their accomplishments, but also because of the way they present themselves.

Thelma & Louise: Right now women like Kim Kardashian are having a massive fashion influence- what do you think is the allure?

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 Fashion-Isha: For me, the allure of a woman like Kim K is that she loves herself and her body no matter the size, and women have such self-image issues. She kind of encourages women to love themselves no matter what their body size or type.

Thelma & Louise: and yet she is not necessarily known for her “modesty”

Fashion-Isha: No, not at all. But confidence is attractive and every woman can learn from that.

Thelma & Louise:  (btw- Big thank you to Kim K for bringing back the curvy girl) Since this is a blog where we face our fears, what do you think is the main fear most women grapple with today in how they are seen?

Fashion-Isha: I feel like so many women are too hard on themselves and feel they are unworthy of realizing their dreams, but every woman is valuable and should go for whatever they dream to do. That can be scary!  My favorite motto is- ‘life begins outside your comfort zone.”   I say that a lot on my blog!

Thelma & Louise:  What has been the most uncomfortable thing you have ever attempted-

Fashion-Isha: It took a bit of chutzpah for me to start my blog in my mid 40s when peers are 1/2 my age but I try to do the things that scare me the most!

 Thelma & Louise:  WAAAIITT- MID 40’s??? Woman, you look HOT-that’s NUTZ!  Maybe you do have the secret to the valley of youth- it must be confidence!  Have you ever grappled with allowing fear to get in the way?

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Fashion-Isha: Yes. I want to write a book and create a fashion line and I just don’t get to it. I ask myself if it’s because I’m afraid or if I’m just lazy. I still have things to face!

Thelma & Louise:  Have you ever attempted something that was extremely uncomfortable- that really scared you?

Fashion-Isha: Well aside from donating a kidney I would say public speaking. It’s terrifying but when I do it- its exhilarating. I love inspiring women!

Thelma & Louise:  donating a kidney, can you tell us more about that…

Fashion-Isha: It’s not something I really thought about until I heard about a friend who was sick and needed a kidney. Then I just decided I wanted to do it. I wanted to make a difference and I just dived in.

When something inspires you and you have that light bulb moment you just have to run with it! That’s living!

 

Maybe the secret to facing fear is acceptance, the ability to fully embrace your deepest self with confidence and class. We are thrilled Sharon Langert from Fashion-Isha visited with us and we can’t wait to continue to keep an eye out on how she evolves- Today the fashion forward thinker is different from yesterday. She is a woman willing to cover up to make a statement, not just bare all to be seen. We think that’s kind of cool!

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LOVE, Thelma & Louise-

Get real or go home…

 

 

 

The Ninja

Here’s a post from my incredible baby sister. We are eighteen years apart. I am clearly the younger looking one. I couldn’t be more proud of her for writing this post. It is DAYUM GOOD. So what if I had to drug her to get it! – Chava (Otherwise known as Thelma)

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THE NINJA

By, Rocky Shallman

They say they give the difficult struggles to the toughest warriors right? Well than i must be one mother freakin ninja! Despite just getting my entire throat cut out thanks to my lovely ENT doctor who decided this after one time too many battles with strep. Everyday I live with a kidney disorder called FSGS.

Thats short for focalsegmentalglomeularscleroris.

Now try saying that 10x fast. Its disorder that not many people know of.  For one, you don’t hear that name being thrown around. I mean between the Kim Kardashian proposal of the century and Miley Cyrus twerking , its difficult to fit that big ass word in there. This disease is a difficult one though, they call it a silent killer. It has to do with having small tears on my kidneys which leak out stuff well that just should not leak out. So when that starts to leak out, I start retaining fluid which makes me look like a little blown up jellybean. (Yes i used jellybean, it felt right being its halloween and all). Everyday I wake up and take a really small white pill that keeps my blood pressure low and my kidneys all in tact.  Most days I feel great, and I don’t even know I have this little challenge.

I’m not one for exposing myself like this, but lately I’ve decided that instead of pretending this all doesnt exist,  I should embrace it. I should just embrace the crap out of it. So I guess thats my big fear. The fear of waking up everyday thinking are my kidneys going to stop working and which assholes in my family am I going to steal one from? Eventhough I know I would never have to steal cuz they would all give one up in a heart beat. Everything I’ve been through in my life has given me a reason to be scared of at least one thing. But today’s the day that I decide that instead of being scared , I  should just embrace it.  Embrace it all.   Cause at the end of the day all you have is the story that God wrote for you to show off to the world.
Now lets hope these pain killers wear off before I decide to send this to my sister”s blog for the whole world to see.

(Too late Rox, You are a warrior, and I’M SO FLIPPIN PROUD OF YOU!! Love, Thelma)