Agenda Un-Driven

Heres the truth- if you have an agenda I won’t give you the time of day. If I’m in a store shopping and A salesperson compliments me but i then smell her sniffing- I leave. If you say the words “you should…” I’m outta there. If you try to coerce me into doing something because it makes YOU feel like you have purpose- then I’m really effing outta there. 
Because true authentic connection does not come from manipulation- it comes from a genuine feeling of wanting to share a journey with no strings attached. 
I hardly ever carry agendas in my pocket and the few times i have one- i usually state it pretty openly- “Hey heres the thing i need you to move your car, read my script, buy me dinner- ” whatever it is- im gonna ask pretty openly. And if the answer is no- i actually won’t care too much either, because i don’t carry expectations around. I think that many people lose connections because of unrealistic expectations and their needs are so great- they will manipulate anyone in any way to get them met. 
I’ve always lived by my husband Rabbi Robbie’s principles that there are usually three reasons I am destined to connect with someone- either I need something from them, they need something from me, or we need to take care of a third party together. So if I meet someone and I am sharing their journey- I never worry about the outcome of that journey we share- because I know when it is meant to be revealed it usually handles itself beautifully. This has a great positive impact on my relationships and more importantly it prevents me from ever having an agenda.
Because there is nothing worse then being taken for a ride- or feeling like someone is planning your life without you realizing or noticing it. If you are living your life with a constant agenda- you can pretty much bet no ones gonna come to your birthday party- unless you plan on giving away gift cards to the guests. Because true authentic connection happens when you are in the moment not when you are trying control it.

As far as I’m concerned- the only agenda we should carry around is having NO AGENDA at all.

Cheating Death

Death is a devastating pain- one that cannot be explained or interpreted or even rationalized- and I don’t mean to try to rationalize it- but I see something for the first time so clearly – we are all part of this narrative of death and it is literally gripping us into a choke hold – maybe I am crazy – but I’m trying to see a larger picture here- we- the “believers” have been tested far past our limitations over and over – almost to a point of madness. 
It is as if Gd himself is trying to shake us into another state of being- he is literally begging us to listen – begging us to see this state of life differently- not as a separate entity but as an extension to a larger potential world we are closing our eyes to. 
In kabbalah it is written this physical world is built on 4 separate worlds. Each one being a bubble of light that slowly emerges from the next one and the next one until the world we are in- the one with physical form stands on its own with only hidden light. It is said that God created this physical world with those four worlds behind it in order to slowly remove his powerful light from every world. Because God’s light is so strong, every single world was a container on it’s own that had a different form of his light being constrained on different levels inhabiting His energy until the energy itself was created as a separate entity. 
The purpose of God removing his light to attain this extreme physical state where we can’t see him at all is because he wishes we create his light on our own. And if it is already created- then we do not receive the accomplishment of us creating it on our own- for you cannot create something which is already there. However if we are charged to dig deep- then our creativity not only matters- but it is ever more powerful- for we managed to create such unique light on our own despite the pain and darkness we fumble in. 
The way a father or mother births a child for the hopes of seeing our own values and our own ideals and new accomplishments unfold in a separate entity is the way God wishes to see his own world- Separate yet embodying His essence, apart yet conjoined in our efforts. 
To be fully articulated as physical beings with spirit- we are charged with the difficult task of infusing these seemingly opposing forces as one. I believe when this is finally accomplished a 5th world will be created- a divine world created by humans- the ultimate fusion will take place, it is but only up to us to achieve this great adventure through continued connection. 
Let us not allow death to defeat this bigger picture. let us not allow our spirit to weaken as a result of pain and suffering- let us rise past the darkness where our light will beam on its own- where great possibilities can emerge despite grief- maybe in spite of grief. 
To the darkness i say- thank you. You are here to trick us into believing our own light cannot be realized- but infact it is because of you darkness- that our light will not only overshadow you- but will wipe you out all together. Get ready. Your days are numbered. 


The Big Victoria Secret

When “Victoria Secret” (she’s not really a model, its more of an aspiration) decided to share her story, we couldn’t say no! Under a pseudo name, this warrior Rockstar reveals her latest life crisis- 

New York Daily Newser Jacob E. Osterhout gets Wing Training 101 with Victoria Secret Model Allessandra Ambrosia at the Lexington Armory at 68 Lexington Avenue, New York, NY on Monday, November 8, 2010.

Thelma & Louise: Victoria Secret? Is that you?

Victoria S:   It is I.

Thelma & Louise: Thank you for your willingness to come on “Thelma and Louise and bare your soul about some frightening news you have just gotten. You are gutsy Victoria. Can you tell us – what is this news, you just had to share with us on this blog?

Victoria S: Well, after spending my life thinking every ailment I have ever had was going to be “cancer”, …it finally was!  I have fucking breast cancer

Thelma & Louise: Congratulations? We like how you said that “I have breast cancer, ” vs I got breast cancer

Victoria S: Sure.  Why not? Another warrior woman heading for battle.

Thelma & Louise: This a pretty big matzah ball to contend with. Have you told anyone else about this news?

(And we love warriors by the way)

Victoria S: I told my triumvirate of clergies, a fellow breast cancer survivor and one close friend.

Thelma & Louise: We are honored you’d be wiling to share with our readers what this experience is like for you. How long have you been dealing with this pretty frightening diagnosis?

Victoria S: I found out for sure on October 27th, 2015.  But my idiot savant husband apparently “knew” the day of my ultrasound the week before.  He had a “feeling”

Thelma & Louise: Sounds like a shitty feeling to have. But I guess he really is in tune with your boobs-

Victoria S: Yep! He is.

Thelma & Louise: Do you have any children, can you tell us how old you are?

Victoria S: I have three children and I am 48

Thelma & Louise: So you are a young mother facing a pretty terrifying disease. And you’ve been experiencing a life altering reality for the past 2 weeks.

Victoria S: That is correct. Well, me and Xanax.

Thelma & Louise: Oh we love that sneaky little treat of goodness. Good choice. We can imagine there must be a hundred things floating through your mind, can you tell us a little bit about what those crazy thoughts are?

Victoria S: First thought when I heard the news was utter fear and complete sadness for my children.  I couldn’t believe this was going to be their story.  “The poor kids with no mother.” I was overwhelmed and confused and didn’t know what to do first.  I was taking down names of doctors my Gyno was giving me and paying no attention at all.  I couldn’t catch my breath. I was standing at my desk at work when the news came in.  Not the best place to be. Although where WOULD the best place be?

Thelma & Louise:   Disneyland? A private jet?   Trader Joe’s?

Victoria S:   Yes.  Trader Joe’s.

Thelma & Louise:   By the wine aisle preferably

Victoria S:   Something is wrong with you

Thelma & Louise:   Yes we know

Victoria S:   And now so do your readers

Thelma & Louise:   Getting back to you finding out. How did that go down-  were you alone? What were you wearing? and what did you do next?

Victoria S:   I patched my husband into the call so someone who was coherent could take over. I then spent the next 25 minutes trying to breathe and then my husband came to pick me up.  I was shaking.  I was absolutely stunned. And I was fucking scared out of my mind. AND reliving this now through this conversation is bringing me right back there.  Thanks☺

Thelma & Louise:   Pleasure. Our goal is to bring you “back there”. It’s part of re-processing the narrative so you can look at it. Really look at it. Because pain and suffering is so isolating, this way when you look at it, you are seeing the story unfold with your audience holding your hand. This makes your story less scary. Are you feeling less scared yet?

Victoria S:   I’m Fine.

Thelma & Louise:   Haha we know what that stands for…Fucked up, Insecure, Nuts, Emotionally unstable- FINE.

Victoria S:   You’re like a word guru who sees right through me.

Thelma & Louise:   We know. We know. Now tell us, what were you wearing?

Victoria S: It’s funny you asked what I was wearing.  I’m a little OCD, superstitious or wacko but I don’t remember – which is good.  Because I would probably never wear it again.

Thelma & Louise:   Well you are Victoria Secret, we just figured you would remember which bikini you were sporting the moment you heard about your booby cancer.

Victoria S: Would you believe I finally found the perfect bras, finally shelled out the cash for new ones and now I might have to get all new ones again!! How annoying is THAT!

Thelma & Louise:   Are they pink? Can we have them?

 Victoria S: No.

 Thelma & Louise:   K. Moving on. So you found out about the news, your husband came to pick you up, you were scared shitless, then what?

Victoria S: Crying. crying. crying. And panicking.

Thelma & Louise:   How long did that fit last for? (a perfectly normal response to devastating news by the way. Yes you are normal.) Well normal in that situation, not typically normal as a whole person though.

Victoria S:   Normal- so overrated. So the rest of the day I cried a lot.  Woke up in the middle of the night pacing, panicking and not being able to breathe. As you can see, I handle difficult situations well.

Thelma & Louise:   You’re a rockstar. Go on

Victoria S: Then I spoke to one other person the following day.  And THIS is what changed me made me realize how I would deal with this.

Thelma & Louise:   You did? Who is this person, can we have her/his number? What did this genius human tell you?

Victoria S: I was put in touch with an organization on the east coast called Sharsheret which is an organization that connects you to someone who takes you through this process.  The put me in touch with a counselor who has been giving me tools to deal with this

Thelma & Louise:   Can you share with us some of these tools? This is the juicy part we are hoping to really uncover.

Victoria S: She told me a story.  Here goes. She said you know when you pack for vacation and you pretty much bring items for every possible scenario.  You get to the airport- you’re pissed.  Your luggage is overweight- you pay extra. You get home, download your pictures to your computer and realize you only wore two things that you packed anyway and wasted all that time, energy, and money for NOTHING.  So, her advice was to just pack for the day.  Take what you need for that day, come home, unpack and then just prepare for the next day.  Repeat.  I cannot tell you what that visual has done for me!  There is NO WAY to know what I need for next week until I go out today, get the information I need, come home and process that…unpack, take that info from today…use it for tomorrow…and keep going.

Thelma & Louise:   That’s like flippin genius! Tell us more

Victoria S: I am using that every day for the rest of my life.  Even after this cancer shit is out of my body

Thelma & Louise:   Do you think that now you are dealing with this huge ordeal, you have been changed in some way?

Victoria S: Absolutely. 1000%. yep. Yes. Uh huh. Duh!

Thelma & Louise:   Give us some lessons you’re currently experiencing.

Victoria S: I have spent the last few years reading and taking in all those positive quotes and rainbow and butterfly pictures from Facebook.  Trying to believe them.  Rolling my eyes at some of them but knowing these things are always good to hear.I have had a pretty rough patch the last few years and things haven’t been easy. I have tried to be grateful for what I have and my MANY MANY MANY blessings.   But now, I actually believe that. I feel authentically grateful.  It’s no bullshit now.  I have an excellent prognosis.  If I was going to get breast cancer, apparently, this is the way to get it. Found it early. Treatable. I am grateful for that.  I am grateful for everything. I am grateful for my path.  I am pretty proud of myself that I am sitting here with breast cancer right this second and I am not folded up like a pup tent panicking.  I do have to say I feel that way because of the doctors and the people around me who can answer questions and assure me that by me sitting here and not knowing what type of surgery I am having won’t change the course of the cancer. I don’t know what I’m having yet…lumpectomy, masectomy…still waiting….took the blood test to see if I have the cancer gene and if I do, that’s a whole other thing to deal with.  And the fact that I am OK with whatever surgery I need to do absolutely floors me.  I cannot believe I am able to handle this.  The waiting. I am pretty proud of myself.  That’s new for me.

Thelma & Louise: Wow. Is it weird that we are actually excited for you? Not excited that you have cancer- but excited that you are transforming and becoming more enlightened, that this challenge is not defining you, but that you are defining it. That is a warrior kick ass way to look at illness. Can you tell us, what is the one thing you believe you are meant to learn from this entire new path you are on?

Victoria S: You don’t learn just one thing. If you learn just one thing you missed the point.  It is all encompassing.  You learn to see more around you.  You really do learn that there is more to life than just your crap.  I’m not the only one dealing with something like this so get the fuck over yourself, take care of it, move on and see how you can make other people’s lives better.  You learn that when someone else is mean to you, it really is not about you.  It’s them.  And they have some hand they were dealt that maybe they don’t have the tools or resources to cope with. So chill the fuck out, take one step at a time, gather information, take care of business and fucking GO LIVE LIFE!  It is truly a gift.

Thelma & Louise:   What is one surprise that you are discovering?

Victoria S: I thought I was going to hate G-d when I got a diagnosis like this.  It was the opposite.  I might not have loved Him more at that moment but I asked him what to do…please show me how to get through this. Please let me do whatever I need to do to be here for my children so I can teach them what I’m learning.  I so appreciate that I am finally authentically grateful. And when my children learn what I am going through (they won’t know until I know what surgery I am having), they will learn that no one gets through life without having to deal with some kind of crap and you will get through it – you will learn – you will grow and you will still have to clean your rooms!

Thelma & Louise: Scariest thought?

Victoria S: You know, the scariest thing once you hear the new (besides what I already said) is that you think it’s everywhere in your body eating away at every muscle, organ…and the longer you don’t do anything about it the quicker you’re going to die. And seeing my kids faces each moment before I had any answers was torture. Absolute pain. Especially when you are keeping a secret like this from them until you get more answers.

Thelma & Louise:   What/Who are you MOST grateful for? (please say me)

Victoria S: I do need to say that my husband…

Thelma & Louise:   Of course its him-

Victoria S: …is the serious rock star. He took control, stayed calm, filled out every form at the doctors office (before biopsy, mri, etc) as I wouldn’t have even known how to spell my name or use a pen for that matter).

Thelma & Louise:   You don’t know how to spell your name or hold a pen on a good day

Victoria S: Ya, and imagine what I was like after hearing that shit news? I must SAY-I love him I love him I love him.  I still can’t stand how he eats cereal or holds a fork but I am so lucky, blessed, cursed (whatever!) that he’s my partner.

Thelma & Louise:   Thank you for sharing your story. We will definitely be following up with you, if that’s ok.

Victoria S: Absolutely!

Thelma & Louise:   Now put on that fancy lingerie for that hot hubby of yours and don’t forget to Get real OR go home! (Oh and tell your husband to eat a sandwich. Don’t need forks for that -it’s the least he can do)

Planet Here & Planet There

There is a planet called “Here” that started with two creatures- we shall call them Will and Jada. The King of Planet Here lives above them behind an iron shield. He cannot be seen or heard- but Jada continually tells Will she knows the King exists- because she tells him- she can “feel the King.”

The King is quite generous and allows food to grow for the budding young couple- he sends rain that quenches their thirst and a warm light that keeps them from getting too chilled.
One day Jada and Will fight and can’t get along. The fighting escalates and they both stop talking. The dark energy forces the rain to stop coming down- they create such a powerful energy that even the sky gets grey and the sun hides because of their harsh words and negative thoughts. After many dark sad years Jada leaves to a summer planet called “There” and Will is sad and alone- plagued with regret. He has no idea where Jada has gone or where she lives now. One day Will falls asleep in a very dark sleep. He is heavy and when he wakes up he is in a new place too. He thinks this new place is no longer the planet he was brought to by the King, but he is not sure.
Finally he sees Jada and is reunited- and realize they are no longer Here but are There. They are on the other side of the iron curtain and this time they get to meet the King.
They ask the King why he hid for so many years- why they had to leave the first planet and come to this planet that has no sun and lots of clouds.
The king answers-

Your life was meant to be for eachother but you didn’t make it about one another. I gave you one another to rely on- but you forgot to see what we could accomplish together- you forgot that I existed with you. I made sure that Jada felt me – but you both never responded to my touch. You saw the iron curtain- yet you failed to remember I was behind it the whole time. You called eachother names and refused to realize the only thing required for the sun to keep shining, for the rain to keep dropping, for the air to continue was for you to hold and love eachother. But now you are here- which is really There and I hope your kids –  mike and Janet who I left at “Here”will get it right so I don’t have to wait patiently behind this iron curtain to tell them they don’t need this summer home anymore to meet me.

Where Fear Lives

Where fear lives-
Speech, thought and deed are at the cornerstone of creation. The chassidic text that holds Jewish mystical teachings called The Tanya writes that “Everything in this physical world is unholy and destroys the spirit, Anything not in the service of a Higher Power is unholy.” 
So what does the Tanya mean by this sentence? What is unholiness? And what exactly is spirit?
Unholiness is disconnection- it is severed spirit. Spirit is our true authentic selves- the sort of self that you see when holding an innocent baby- before ego has a chance to take over. It is the great breath of life that feeds your living energy and that can tantalize your Higher purpose to excel.  
When we connect spirit to matter we create the awesome experience to reveal holiness. Only when we use speech, thought, and deed to create deep connection with one another or with ourselves to reveal truth do we expose the holy matter that is at the soul spark of the physical world. 
The physical world can become elevated – however we must first acknowledge that Fear lives at the heart of the physical world. When we reveal unholiness, we expose and uncover fear. How do I know this little tidbit? Let’s take a look at what happens when fear rears it’s ugly head, shall we- 

When fear arrives, we don’t trust, we disconnect to our authenticity, we stop acting real, often we can take on someone else’s dangerous ideals and ideology and we can abandon our own. We become anxious. We feel judgement. We judge others to stop feeling the judgement. We stop acting, we start reacting. Fear causes disconnection- and what is disconnection? You got it- unholiness.

Paradoxically, When we reveal that seamless connection between mind and spirit- fear has the audacity to morph into courage.
In other words- the heart of our physical world- while it is centered in fear or unholiness has the power to change using our will. 
What happens when we live in holy courage and when we de-harden our heart?
Living in holy courage is comprised of two parts of our being. There is the holy courage unleashed in our physical state and the one that rises from our spirit, which amazingly is what also creates spirit!
Holy courage is the ability to speak and act in truth. It means connecting deeply and allowing our full hearts to be seen for its true intention- not the intention assigned to us from evil ideas or negative thoughts. But the real ideas that we carry with us from childhood rooted in innocence and covered in goodness. 
Having Holy Courage means that we can be vulnerable- look at another deeply in the eye and accept the other without judgement- holy courage is that moment when someone takes your hand and you hold on tight versus letting go. It’s that moment you say you’re wrong. It’s that moment you look around the room and not on your phone or down a bottle to see the world – to acknowledge those that might need you in that moment. It is using your voice to protect the innocent and it is being opened to hearing another person’s point of view. In short it is releasing the ego from the chamber of your heart. It is releasing the narrative that you might have created to cope- but that is clearly not coping for you.
Upon exercising holy courage- suddenly the spirit shifts along with you as well. Clarity of purpose is revealed and a great higher power is revealed that not only benefits you alone but everyone around you. Sometimes these revelations will be momentary- like a flash of sudden miraculous change where you “accidentally” stumble upon a human reaction you never expected, like a job offer, a kiss, a brief encounter that causes you to smile. But imagine a world where these revelations begin lasting hours instead of minutes- maybe days or possibly years.
It is clear that we carry so much power and so much ability to reignite our courage. We have the ability to re-stabilize the world. But we must only take that first step needed to find that holy courage. That first step to change the heart of the physical world by lessening our fear reaction and re-enhancing our courageous one.
Then and only then will we enter a new era where the Sparks of holiness will compel our world and cover it like the blanket of change it richly deserves.



mq1 I’m blank today. It is in those moments that I need that oxygen to just breathe, and creativity decides to take a break. Its not that I don’t want to be creative, its just that I’m like an empty gas tank and need a refill. The creativity process for me is very emotional. I process every single encounter and life experience in my head a few times over. I can be doing the simplest task such as dropping off a dress to be altered, and I’ll need to process that experience as if I’ve just been to the moon. I watch every thing I do in life so carefully, as a way to maximize my observations so my curiosity can become a sponge that creates when the creativity bug finally re-arrives. When I was younger, I would get very frustrated with the way my brain insists on watching the world so carefully, but as I get older, I appreciate it greatly and realize that it is that process that makes me take notice of the smallest things as well as the big ones. It is in those smaller encounters that truth lies, and revelation for purpose and for translating spirit into matter takes place. When I’m blank, all I can do is concentrate harder on those observations. Today I plan on concentrating on every detail, every smell, ever color. That is how I stay in the moment and really see the world. That is also how I get my creative mojo back. I watch. Everything.